No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
