at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
