New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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