i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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