if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
