Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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