Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
