guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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