If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
