I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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