my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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