I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
