Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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