i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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