Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
