I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
