Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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