I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
