Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
