i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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