His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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