your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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