i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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