Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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