I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
