i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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