Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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