Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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