The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
