mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dignity is for republicans.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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