my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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