Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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