Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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