I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
