If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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