Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
