if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
