True but thats because hes a fetus.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
