We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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