It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
