Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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