i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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