How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize