She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
MIDGETS
????
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
