I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
