Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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