I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
