my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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