in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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