New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
