Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
