Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
