I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
