Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i dont even know how to be here
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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